THE NIGHTMARE INSTANCE!!!

Jeevan Dahal

Chandragadi – 1, Jhapa, Nepal

jeevdsk@gmail.com, jeev.dsk@facebook.com

9841981057

 I became a victim of terror and it was due to a sound of steel bowl that came from a nowhere place. Yes, I remember the speed so high like a lightning and then the sound like a thunder. For some moment ahead my mind went short fused off, probably of short circuiting and resulting all my biological function going wrong at once. I felt that I am stiff – I could not move, I could not hear anymore – I became deaf. I could not see – I became blind at once. I could not speak – I became a dumb and my lips stumbling so mercilessly that my jaws also shook violent. It was all due to the sound of a bowl thrown. The bowl thrown by my father.

I am an eldest son of my parents and besides me, my two brothers and our little sister. So we were six altogether in a hut where we were called “The Sukumbashi” i.e. people having no land and no homes. Our home consisted of two rooms separated by a stick and hay bar. But actually we could feel all of us touched because that bar acting as a wall separated nothing as we could clearly see what’s happening on the so called next room. You know, even my a half and a year more old sister could see the happenings while standing herself with the support of thin and algae coated bamboo that supported almost major part of our roof that was made with hay.

We convinced ourselves being in front of light of the moon all nights while the moonlight shone bright to me and that entered from half – constructed walls. Days are always joyful to me because all day we (me and my brothers) ran at the river banks, hunted fishes and in the forest we used to hunt birds for fun and for tiffin as well. Either in summer or winter, no matter we cared for rain, no matter we cared for fog, we didn’t card the good and the adverse weather. We wore faded half pants and brownish turned white shirt. I thought that slippers were not invented as nobody used to wear in our locality.

Our energy never depleted in the day time but nights were so cruel to us. It always became painful with wounds, bruises, itches, leeches on our legs and sometime burning belly due to half fed food. Yet, I didn't realize the by gone days and nights though joyful or painful. My night dreams swept all those to I don’t know where and in the morning I became refreshed with new hopes, new ideas to play games in the dust, games with fishes in the river and hide and seek with birds in the forest. That was all I realized in every new mornings.

Sometime, we brothers used to quarrel and fight till injury and then get ready for mom’s beating, but before she could get, two of us would flee away and didn't go home until dusk. Fishes became our victim of hungry stomach and sometimes birds. What else we could do, we almost never expected launch from our parents from the time I know as my parents they used to be so much busy to go to their respective works for I don’t know for whom. But only sometimes they left us cooked food. Every parents from our locality did the same as our parents did. They left their sons and daughters who were quite older, I mean older more than four years old and they carried the younger ones with them.

A couple of years and older than me, they used to scold us sometimes. They used to dominate us being seniors. However, they were friendly within the passage of time. They used to teach us using obscene languages and we brothers would close our mouth with both hands and laugh silently outside and violently inside. But over the running days we were also easy going with dirty speaking. Some of them used to take girls left by their parents at home in the forest, on drains, bushes, river banks and do whatever they would like to and we also learnt the same tradition. There was no difference between a girl and a boy in our locality. What boys do, girls also did the same. Well, ‘education’- it was like a lonely word that no one knew of. But inside, I was always fascinated by the term school. Yes, every day was a picnic, every day was a party, every dawn until dusk meant game for us and joys for us. Everybody was like a whore and male prostitute – a girl or a boy in the locality. All were good and all were bad at the same time.

Well, that was all outside!

My mom, she is a very busy mom and my father, he is muscular, tall and black and he is busy as well. My mom used to work in a nearby tea garden, I suppose. At 7 right after the dawn she used to hurry and would come right at the dusk. She seemed pale though she’s black and she’s already tired all evening. But she used to continue preparing food for the evening and I used to help her. My brothers cared our little sister with 24/7 runny nose. We had very few kitchen utensils and I counted while my mom washed dishes at dark. My father, he used to come very late, already drunk and his presence would become fearful to me. He stepped very heavy as I feel frightened. My little sister would have slept then after mom’s milk. Brothers would also sleep early because of over enjoyable day time. My eyes didn't close until my father’s presence; after all he is our eldest, protector and god and all. He loved my mom very much. He is five years elder to her and they were from the same village. Affair and sex led them towards marriage. I could more or less find out by their talking. Even sometimes, I heard my mom screaming in pleasure and my father breathing so quickly. I knew all what that meant and practiced the same with girls at the day time. Those girls used to enjoy as I did. And that’s why my mom was satisfied with my father.

One night, when the moon was full and bright and my eyes were charmed in the beautiful full moon, I also was waiting my father come home, eat what mom prepared, have a chit chat with her, plan their and plan our future, make love in the dark and so and so. Long hours had passed by and he didn't come. So my eyes were tender and desperate to rest, I just felt in a quick sleep. But after a short while, I heard something. Mom was sobbing. I could clearly know that and she sobbed so soft as if she feared that her boys would see. To see the clear view I turned their side in the moonlight. My father was in front of my mom like a giant, very dark and muscular as mentioned earlier. I didn't understand what was going on in the dark at mid – night. And again, my father roared, “You are a mother fucker whore. Why ain’t there for me today?” Obviously he was drunk. I saw him kicking her one into her back and squeezing her breast so hard that would hurt her. He again roared, “It’s your fault, yes it was my mistake I married a whore like you.” I was in a mess, not understood what the matter was all about?

I rolled my eyes towards my mom, she was continuing sobbing – her one hand wiping tears from her eyes and the other hand covering blouse that was torn a bit. I starred at the scene. What I could do else more than watching. My mom was scolded because of children she gave birth and because of less food cooked. Well, he knows he is and we are poor, but today what happened to my father who loved his spouse ever. He was a loving father, he is and will be till our death, but I could not understand why he was acting like that. I was every morning thinking, questions made me stiff and dull for some moment. I looked at my two little brothers who were sleeping and lost into the Eden of dreams and completely ignorant about what’s going on at home in the middle of the night. Only my mom, father and to some extent I knew what all that meant for.

Tears rolled from eyes however I didn’t produce any kind of sound. Just they kept falling on the mat I was lying; I kept on watching at them. After a quarrel, my father slept aside my mom. What could he do more than that? I thought that he also might have realized, it was not only the fault of mom otherwise why would he sleep with his partner after scolding and shouting her so furiously? Why would he live with her all day and night? I believe he knows all that, he knows that they were equally involved in taking pleasure with each other, or else who are we four extra apart from them? He all day worked and for whom he worked? Each and every seconds of the night new buds of questions blossomed. I kept thinking and answering to myself and then they faded and wrinkled.

The more I thought, the more I realized, questioned and answered again and again as if they never ended. I also sobbed for a long, long time. The root cause of our condition, those quarreled and fought nights was poverty. Yes, poverty was the only determinant that made my mom’s eye watery, her blouse torn, my father so furious and violent, myself in tears and thoughtful. My two little brothers dream of new tricks to show their friends the next day and our little sister had to satisfy with mom’s breast milk. It was the only cause, my father becoming a drunkard, my mother a whore to my father and we all an endless tiresome burden came from a nowhere place. As a reel of film and the Carnival’s big round swing. I remembered what I've done and learnt to become a boy and found lost while searching the answer because the answer itself was nil and my search engine.

I am 9. I remembered my parents uttering that word to me last week but they also did not know my exact date of birth. In the same night, I thought to myself not going to play in the river, in the forest, not roaming with friends searching for girls and go for them but rather go and search something which could end this type of life, which could divert my mind with wisdom. At least I will learn new things, interact with people, do something and contribute for my family so that I would never see my father angry and my mother sobbing in silence fearing whether her children sleepiness would tear into pieces. At least, I would become busy and be an example to show path way to my brothers.

My childish mind invested in computing a new horizon, a new destination of my life in the early morning.